Emptiness

Emptiness. That is what's always greeting me when i go back home. It is so conventional. First, you have to open the door, take your shoes off, put your things down to where they should be and then rest for a while.

Rest is what i don't want to do these times. When I'm resting, you think things. And usually, you think of things you want -- the ones you want to cherish. And that one thing you want and cherish is the one thing that breaks your heart. It is like letting myself to rest and get hurt again. Reliving the happy and the not-so-good-happy-part moments. This makes me no different from a masochist. Smiling while crying sometimes. Although tears are getting minimal now. I can smile more nowadays. Just sad to think that with that smile there is no more "him" with me.

And the emptiness.

I thought I will be leaving this place because we already have plans. But no. Im back here. Every night. And feeling so alone. Knowing that its just me and myself again.

But one thing's for sure...i'll get by.

After The Love Has Gone

Then what? What is the next thing you will do aside from crying over it for a few nights?
But I guess the real issue, will you still love again?

One of my bestfriend has been through a lot in the name of love. Heart, body and soul -- that is her way of loving a man. And she even told me, she won't love anybody else after allof what happened. After two years of not talking to each other because both of us are busy,she just one night sent me a chat message saying she is getting married. At first, I didn' t take it seriously.

Here is the woman who just swore she will never get burn again inthe name of love again. But when she started telling me the whole love story, I already believed her.

In our life, we are sometimes given the chance to feel things differently. In her part, this time, love is better with a better man. Who would not take the chance. She is hesitant yes but she allowed herself to give in and said why not? And look at her, she is now very happy with her man.

And as for me, I know I will love again and I never will stop doing it as long as myheart is beating. LOve and being loved I guess, is one of the most sure fireworks you'll have in your life. Without it, your life wont be complete and colorless.

Weddings...Weddings...

When me and my ex-bf are still together, we usually joked about our wedding setting. He liked it in a beach. I like it in a garden [well, until now!]. Then he would end up saying, let's look for a garden in a beach and that is where we are going to wed.

But when things go wrong, those plans just become a wishful thought. I wonder if he still likes it in a beach but as for me, I still like it in a garden. And at times like these, when you're still in the wandering stage of a shattered relationship, you usually find comfort with your friends. One day, me and my friends went to a mall to dine out.

But first, we went to a magazine store. As I was about to pay for the magazine, the lady gave me this magazine/directory for weddings and she said it is given for free. I am so hesitant to accept it but then my guy friend took it and said, "Hey honey, just what we need!". He look at the sales lady and told her that we are already planning our wedding this year. We received some congratulatory remarks.

While we are walking to the restaurant, I told him he doesnt need to do that. He told me, he did not do that to save my face but because he already noticed that the saleslady is already looking at me like she wants to say " Hey lady, it is just a magazine. Just get it!"

And I laughed. Until now, I still have that magazine. As a lady who still have her heart intact after all of what happened, I am still wishing, hoping and praying that I will have that garden wedding, too.....one day...

Fairy Tales

As our love ended, I got dragged into a different kind of addiction. Buying all my favorite fairy tales movies.

Funny it may seem but I just found myself looking for all of these movies. There's a little space in my heart that is yearning for that "happy ending" and "they llve happily ever after" phrases. Although in reality, you are just so lucky if it happens to you but I'm just letting this kid at heart in me to overwhelm me at times.

While I am watching then, those good ol' days are coming back to my mind. When I was a kid, I also, too, believe that my prince charming will marry me someday and we will live happily ever after. One part of that, though, i cant relate that much. I'm living in a country that doesnt have prince and princesses so I thought my future man would be someone who is wearing this coat-and-tie suit, working in an office or could be having his own business [a very stable man] and who loves me so much.

But as I grew older, a different kind of love story is shaping up. A lot of heartaches, disillusionment, on and off relationships, jealousy, very sweet at times and sometimes arguing and a lot of mixed emotions. I wonder sometimes, did Cinderela, Snow White or Beauty just not mention that they had these moments before they married their prince? Or the moviemaker just deleted some scenes? Or was it the writer who chose not to write these part of the script in the movie? If these happens to them, will they still end up with Prince? Will they still be living in a happily ever after life?

But, I guess, it's just okay to indulge myself into this kind of thinking once in a while. Honestly, it is just making me feel that one heartbreaking relationship should not stop you from hoping that another great love is just about to come my way.

SOMETIMES

I dont wan't to think of the happy moment that we have shared together
Beause it wll only make me wish that I could turn back the hands of time

I wish that you were never affectionate, faithful, devoted and true
So that unhappiness would not be felt each time you will not be around

I dont want to see your tears of loneliness and feelings of depression
Because they will only make me wish that I could take away your pains and blues

I wish that you didnt have a permanent and special place in my heart
So that your presence of absence would not make such a difference

[Lifted from the book "Loving in One's Own Way: by J M Lim]

The End

When love ends...

Don't think how long it was

Just always remember how good it was...

:)

Today When I Die

September 14, 2007. The heart stopped beating. It chose to die. But the heart made sure that the brain still functions for the creation of this blog.

Life is not just about happy moments. When you look back at your years and there is one moment of tears shed, then that's life. Pain. Endurance. Defeat. Loss. Grief. Sadness. The heart embraced all of these before it dies. The heart choses to do this for it will make everything rightt for her and the other person's life related to the life of the man it truly loved, cherished or shall we say still loved until the moment the heart dies.

Looking back, the heart has been living a happy feeling for three years. At times, it gets hurt but because she choose to live, she managed to heal and continue loving. It chose to remind the itself that whatever happens, it will only beat for one man. The man reassures the heart that it will only beat for it. He will only be the man who truly deserves to have this love felt by the heart.

Two hearts struggling for the love to survive. Separated by distance. Longing for each other's presence. The other soul was able to keep the promise alive but the other promisee was able to break loose at some point, done a very terrible mistake. A mistake that can never be undone. But the heart chose to live and accepted the love once promised to be its only breathe. Continue to endure the pain, the misery, the sadness, the distance. Not really knowing that the heart was betrayed a lot of times. Over and over again.

Fate and time decided to intervene. The truth came out. The man who vowed to love the heart has let it out. All of it. The heart was badly bleeding. Every details is like a cut to the heart making it suffer more on the sad truth.

And when everything was said and done, the heart smiled and chose to let go of the pain. Free the soul she chose to have her heart beating for so many years. The other soul still wants to renew the love for the heart but the heart chose to let go and chose to die.

To the heart who has truly love for years and never ever regret doing it....this is for you.