Insensitive Fool

I am looking at myself and i can see a woman whose nothing and no one can surprise her anymore. When everybody's got so excited about a thing, im not even sharing the crowd to let myself what it is. Sometimes I am wondering is it because I know what to expect already or am i just an insensitive woman that's all?

It worries me a lot. Big time. Coz i think is this the reason why i am always having a second thought on all of my relationships? i knew deep in my heart that i never loved any one of them. Bin maybe the closest to my heart...almost close to it but still, he's just outside the door. Never had the chance to come in yet...hahahaha

But will i ever loved someone one day? Some day? Or am i just going to fulfill myself of my plan someday that i am just going to find a babymaker to give myself a baby? I was the one who started it but i really dont like the idea. I still wanna be loved but i dont know how to love back?

Bad, huh? Yeah i know. its bad. its being selfish. you want somebody to love you but you dont know how to give back that love. But in the back of my head, given the chance to have someone to love me, i can be a really passionate woman. WIth all those years that ive been alone, lahat na yata ng naipong caring and loving parte ko e naipon na and that lucky guy who would have me would have all that.

Pero even love doesnt surprise me anymore. That's a problem. Im afraid that i wont laugh back if the man that im with laughs. I wont even talk to him after he talked. I wont even share his happiness when he's very happy. So im better off alone? Very sad.

I wish, that somebody can turn this character of mine 360 degrees and i would greatly appreciate it. Sighs

Pre-Birthday Treats

As my birthday is approaching, I have been receiving a lot of freebies so far. I thought that this is a great way of adding to my original plan of going to the Manila Ocean Park to see it for the very first time.

Since I am approaching my 30th birthday, I am thinking of celebrating it in a different way. In a way, that the celebration will be more focused on me. I do feel that I have almost reached half of my entire age for my life span ... eccentric? Of course not! This is more likely of a feeling that I have done most of what I want to do, learned most of the things I want to learn, gone to some of the places I really want to go and feeling some of the feelings I may or may not like but I was able to felt it and accept it.

Instead of getting emotional about this new year for me, I told myself to just enjoy just like I did with my previous birthdays and be thankful for all the blessings that came my way.

What a Wonderful[?] World

I used to say when I was a kid -- "someday, I'll be free to do all the things I want, buy all the things I desire, go to allthe places I really would love to go to without any restrictions!" This, I said, when my mom told me you cannot go out and play because you're sick. I had meningitis before and my childhood life is not just like any other kids..

So, what happened is, I prayed hard for the earth to roll faster so I could grow and be old enough to experience what I wished. But as I grew up, I am starting to get disappointed of the world once I thought as wonderful. I realized that it's sometimes not okay to do all the things you want because some of them are not just the right thing to do, you can't just buy all the things you want because it would mean spending all of your hard earned money and you cannot just go to any places you want because again, it would require a lot of money again and it would mean asking for a vacation leave to your office.

I find myself sometimes complaining why am I stuck with this fr***g job and I still stay with it? Why it is easy to spend than to earn money? Why is it more relaxing to go out of town than to just stay in my place and do something productive? Why is it easier to eat than to go on a diet? Why is it easier to mess things up than cleaning it up later on?

My list of complains could go on forever, I had to admit. I so realized it's very endless. But then, I thought of thinking the "otherwise" of things. This day, I made my journey to the hospital and had my ear checked because it's too itchy and when i clean it, it has some blood on it already. It's nothing serious according to the doctor.

After this, my dial-up pc always has a way of not sending my graphics designing application to these wonderful company so I went to this famous computer shop using dsl and it was sent. All I had to do now is to just sit, relax and wait for the calls of the company that would stop me one day from complaining why am I still in my current job?

I also did not take my dinner. I am already feeling full so why go on dinner if I don't feel like eating just because it is ethical to have breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and then dinner in one day.

What i just said in the end, I can still have my wonderful world. I just have to do some reality check.

A Time For Yourself

Traffic jams. Noises. Smokes. High-rise buildings. Loud crowd. Extravagant dresses. Fancy dine outs.

You are in the city -- no doubt.

I decided to put a stop on the traffic light. I chose to go somewhere where it is somewhere quiet. Where all you can see are clogs -- clouds and fogs. Where mountains are higher than houses and there are only but a few buildings. The dresses are just in tune with the weather of the place. And where there are no Mc Do's, Jollibee's, Chowking's or even fine dining resto's.

I made my goal by reaching Sagada. I have been planning to go here since the first half of this year but due to a tight workload and schedules that are not in tune with others, I have done it only this last week of November.

The adventures are mountain trekking and the cinematic views are not coming from any Hollywood movies but from the nature itself. I took the time out on viewing videos from YouTube and just recorded the Mother Nature on my digicam.

It is very refreshing. On top of all, I can say, what a break and what a wonderful experience apart from your usual everyday life.

Christmas Parties

December. It's the time of the parties. A lot of people makes a lot reasons to create an occasion to have a celebration. And during these times, people loves to go to parties as well. Just like me.

Recently, I have to decide whether I need to attend a party of our company or the party of an organization I belong to. I chose the latter. It's a very small crowd and there's also a lot of things to learn. We have a lot of speakers who will tackle about how to make money and how you can survive a money crisis. And there's also a part that some of the donations that was given by the sponsors will be given to a charity.


So, going to this party is really a better choice, I can say.

And the most beautiful part of it, is that, I get to win one of the most wonderful prize that night.