Insensitive Fool

I am looking at myself and i can see a woman whose nothing and no one can surprise her anymore. When everybody's got so excited about a thing, im not even sharing the crowd to let myself what it is. Sometimes I am wondering is it because I know what to expect already or am i just an insensitive woman that's all?

It worries me a lot. Big time. Coz i think is this the reason why i am always having a second thought on all of my relationships? i knew deep in my heart that i never loved any one of them. Bin maybe the closest to my heart...almost close to it but still, he's just outside the door. Never had the chance to come in yet...hahahaha

But will i ever loved someone one day? Some day? Or am i just going to fulfill myself of my plan someday that i am just going to find a babymaker to give myself a baby? I was the one who started it but i really dont like the idea. I still wanna be loved but i dont know how to love back?

Bad, huh? Yeah i know. its bad. its being selfish. you want somebody to love you but you dont know how to give back that love. But in the back of my head, given the chance to have someone to love me, i can be a really passionate woman. WIth all those years that ive been alone, lahat na yata ng naipong caring and loving parte ko e naipon na and that lucky guy who would have me would have all that.

Pero even love doesnt surprise me anymore. That's a problem. Im afraid that i wont laugh back if the man that im with laughs. I wont even talk to him after he talked. I wont even share his happiness when he's very happy. So im better off alone? Very sad.

I wish, that somebody can turn this character of mine 360 degrees and i would greatly appreciate it. Sighs

It's Hard When You Are In-Love

Everyone wishes to be in-love but when we are in-love, we find it so hard to deal with it.

All is Fair in Love

Recently, it is. With the gay marriage being approved in the US. I wonder who really pushed this bill. It is no longer a topic of God, morality and religion now. Modern age is really on top now.

It is all about truly loving someone and being with someone you really want to be with without being scrutinized.

It is all about fairness. Any one can marry the one that you really love. Regardless if you are of the same sex.

I have nothing against third sex that is why I am happy with this news. Used to be the battle of the sexes is just Adam and Eve. Now it is the other one. What is the name of the third sex then?

This is the fun side. But here in the Philippines, what would really be the future of this bill to push through? My friend say, she thinks, it'll be divorce first before we can truly approve this kind of bill.

Religion Really Matters?

I have an officemate who has two men in her life. Well, the other recently broke up with her---not formally. But, from the way I see it, the man is still taking his time out with the relationship and will still try to convince the girl that he is really the one for her.

But the girl's one primary concern with this guy is that he will never ever convert his religion to her religion. That got me thinking--love conquers all but why does religion interferes? Is it what God wants in the first place or the leader of this religion the one who created that "rule". When God said go and multiply [my modern version of what he said bec. I can no longer remember the original line sorry!] did He say -- only choose your mate that has the same religion with you?

This I dont understand. Why others cannot see that its the love inside us that should matters and not all the other things--lest the religion. Why cant faith in love and faith in your Creator can't be separated? Will your Creator wants you to settle with the one you less love bec. the one you really love the most cannot convert to your religion.And I thought all is fair in love and war.

But not in religion.Religion is such a sensitive topic we all know that. But for me, it is sensitive because no one wants to to talk about it in the first place. Its a battle of faith versus your own belief in life. When that faith of yours defeats your own belief in life -- its like losing your own personal mental freedom as you are being dominated by your faith. What your faith is telling you what to believe in life.

However, the one that I love has a different religion. The irony of life!

Decisions That We Made

My office mate got dumped because of another girl that is working in our company as well. The same old story. Surprisingly,the first girl asked me for some advice. And surprisingly again, she kind of digested what I said to her. So, before the day ends, she decided to really set the score with the guy. That he can never go back to her anymore the same way he did when his previous relationships didn't last.

I told her that even how much we love a person, we had to let them go sometimes. This is not for the good of the relationship but because it is for the good of you. We are losing our self-worth at times just to give everything we've got to a love that we don't want to lose But is it really worth it? How would you know if you are just going through the chain?You are just getting the same ending because you are always doing the same thing. What if you go the other way? What will you find? You might not be happy with the result. But you have to admit, it will free you from some misery and hurt.

I asked her if she can go through all the pain again. She said yes because she loved him. Are you happy while you are hurting? There's the pause from her. I told her that you are happy because you are with him. No doubt about it. But why do you still feel miserable. Because in our decisions, we chose the wrong ones because that can make me happy but there's always the feeling of misery because something is not right with what we have done. It makes you happy but it is not the right choice.

But then she asked, if I chose the right decision, will I be happy? Probably, no. But you can gain a lot of things.Your self worth first of all. And most of all, I told her, the chance. The chance to love someone who is deserve your love back and who will treasure you more.

And there it goes, her smile. Actually, I can say her sweetest smile.

Move On

Just in time to go back from break, my male officemate/friend just popped the question out: Have you already moved on?

I'm kind of surprised -- not with the question but with the realization that I have already moved on. I have not been torturing myself about our break-up anymore. I am not thinking of him anymore. I just reminisce the past without missing it. I thought of him without reallywanting to be with him. And mostly, I remember the past without hurting anymore.

Thank God. I used to wish that there will come a day these would all come. And surprisingly, I didn't know when that day happened. It.... just happened! :)

My Reflections

"There's always pain and disappointment when falling in love but continue sharing your love. because the more you love, the more you'll get to know yourself. Because, again, every person you love becomes your reflection."

To date, I had three relationships. I did not used the word failed with it but just "ended". For me, what I always tell somebody how did you cope up with it is "just think how good it was and not how long it was." I always look at the brighter side it brought to me instead of the depression.

My first, he was soooo much older than me. Well, at least what -- 7-8 years? I can no longer remember. But what's good about this guy is that he had the passion. When he said, i want to do this, he'll be doing it. And he said, don't rely on others to do it for you. Always start with yourself and seek help if only you need to. As I grew up, I learned to be independent.I am doing things on my own, solving things on my own [as long as I can], discovering things on my own. But I am no selfish. I just learned from him that as long as you can do it, do it first. If all else fails, it's time you seek help. But then, has to go to a different country and I am not yet ready to get married so we broke up.

The second one, he is always so understanding. He told me that its not good to heat things up more. When we are fighting, he always says, let's just talk about this some other time. Not now that you are so furious and angry. And we really talk about it and it always ended good. After that, one of my colleague says, you can always treat a worst situation with calmness. How do you that? Well...

Now, the third one, he always said I hate money! Yeah he hates money but he has a lot of money. He told me, I work not for money but I work because that's what I like to do. he doesn't want wasting money. It just usually went straight to the bank and his business and once in a year to his hobby -- going to different places away from his own country. i still have to learn how to hate money like him you know but then one thing I really like about him is that it's true money can make you happy. You can use it to find your true passion in your life. One day, after receiving my 13th month pay, I enrolled in a graphics designing class which I have been longing to do and just months ago, I went to this place which we called Sagada and it feels heaven!!!

All of these may have cause me pain but never mind the pain. It's part of our life. just think of happy thoughts just like Peter Pan. :)

Finding Mr. Right by Big "O"

While waiting for my turn in the hospital, I decided to buy a National Geographic magazine and it tackles all about love. One thing that catches my attention is this: "A woman unconsciously uses orgasms as a way of deciding whether or not a man is good for her. If his impatient and rough and she doesn't have the orgasm, she may instinctly feel he's less likely to be a good husband and a father. Scientists think the fickle female orgasms may have evolved to help woman distinguish Mr. Right from Mr. Wrong." [excerpt from National Geographic Feb. 2006 edition]

My friend usually said that you won't know you're really compatible until you have sex with your boyfriend. As she said,sex is very important in a married life so if you're not compatible in that stage even before when you were still not married,where do you think your marriage will go in the end? Alright, she's an advocate of PMS and I am not. But in my head, all of these women who said this, how many men had they sex with? Even if the two of you are good with it why most of them break up in the end? why do they keep on hopping from one relationship to another and doing PMS? Again, maybe, I'm sorry, I'm not really an advocate of PMS and this is just my POV. No need for violent reaction. I respect other's opinions.

Just because one man is giving you the satisfaction he will already be a good husband and a father? For once, I had this huge, big crush with a hollywood actor. He looks mature, loving and I really think he will be a good father [and very hot, too!]. And so he got married. But then, he was televised beating his wife and shouting at his kid on the phone swearing.You may think I'm a bit shallow but can't we just start with emotional first before the big O in finding Mr. Right?

I think like a kid most of the times. Because kids has an easier way of explaining things that bothers them. Lemme think like a child on this topic, For me, if you already find Mr. Right [but not using the way to find him by having an "O"] and the only thing that's preventing you from saying "it's a very wonderful relationship" is that you're not good at "that", then just talk it out. Things like "I like it when we... but i would like it best [with winking] if we do it this way [showing something with winking again]. How about that?" [with winking again]!

Again, my disclaimer, this is just my POV. [with winking]

Ha Ha Happy Together

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh - Agnes Repplier

Chemistry is one of the ingredient in a succesful relationship, as one of the few persons I respect the most said. He/She doesn't need to be a joker but at least the two of you have some heartful of laugh at times shared when the two of you are together.

For all the singles [and newly singles like me :) ] I hope you can find someone whom you can share your laughter with this new year. Not just someone as in plain someone. I meant someone special. :)

Happy new year!!!

A Glimpse of the Future

"if I could see the future
I'd see if you and I were meant to be
but I don't know any magic
and tomorrow's just a dream
then something in this fantasy is real..."

It was a lazy afternoon and I was just listening to my collection of audio cd's. One of the songs that usually captures my heart is the song "If I Believe" by Patti Austin.

These line, even if we admit it or not, we have wished it one time in our life. I did. But not just once. Actually, a lot of times usually when you are watching Harry Potter. As for me, I wished that I had it during the time that me and my boyfriend are still together. It usually concerns us if we are going to end up with our current relationship one day.

I know basic palmistry reading. My officemates usually would irritate me to death, just kidding, to read their palms.Things like what is in store for them in the future or would they have a fruitful relationship. I really don't wanna be specific as to what I can see in their palms because I myself is avoiding to read what is in store for me.

Although, at times, I wish there are two lines who would join together [lol].

However, in the fantasy world, I really wanna see who am I going to end up with. Or will I ever end up with someone else? With someone else that I really love? With someone else that I really love and who loves me, too? With someone else that I really loves that loves me, too, and the one I can have kids with? A lot of things that I want to have a glimpse with. But as of the moment, what I want to do, is live every second of my life without worrying what is in store for me in the future. It will come.

Under The Tuscan Sun

The movie's caption is" Life offers you a thousand chances. All you have to do is take one". Its a very enlightening movie. The caption already tells you one ingredient in life.

One other thing I learned in here is that all of our wishes came true. Only, sometimes it is granted to you in a different package. The character in the movie (a divorced woman) wishes that one day there will be a wedding in her own house and a family to live there as well. In the end, her neighbor's wedding was done in her garden and her friend, who became a single parent, decided to stay with her along with the baby.

And I thought...oh yeah! Well, I guess you need to be specific with your wishes :)

Weddings...Weddings...

When me and my ex-bf are still together, we usually joked about our wedding setting. He liked it in a beach. I like it in a garden [well, until now!]. Then he would end up saying, let's look for a garden in a beach and that is where we are going to wed.

But when things go wrong, those plans just become a wishful thought. I wonder if he still likes it in a beach but as for me, I still like it in a garden. And at times like these, when you're still in the wandering stage of a shattered relationship, you usually find comfort with your friends. One day, me and my friends went to a mall to dine out.

But first, we went to a magazine store. As I was about to pay for the magazine, the lady gave me this magazine/directory for weddings and she said it is given for free. I am so hesitant to accept it but then my guy friend took it and said, "Hey honey, just what we need!". He look at the sales lady and told her that we are already planning our wedding this year. We received some congratulatory remarks.

While we are walking to the restaurant, I told him he doesnt need to do that. He told me, he did not do that to save my face but because he already noticed that the saleslady is already looking at me like she wants to say " Hey lady, it is just a magazine. Just get it!"

And I laughed. Until now, I still have that magazine. As a lady who still have her heart intact after all of what happened, I am still wishing, hoping and praying that I will have that garden wedding, too.....one day...

SOMETIMES

I dont wan't to think of the happy moment that we have shared together
Beause it wll only make me wish that I could turn back the hands of time

I wish that you were never affectionate, faithful, devoted and true
So that unhappiness would not be felt each time you will not be around

I dont want to see your tears of loneliness and feelings of depression
Because they will only make me wish that I could take away your pains and blues

I wish that you didnt have a permanent and special place in my heart
So that your presence of absence would not make such a difference

[Lifted from the book "Loving in One's Own Way: by J M Lim]

The End

When love ends...

Don't think how long it was

Just always remember how good it was...

:)

Today When I Die

September 14, 2007. The heart stopped beating. It chose to die. But the heart made sure that the brain still functions for the creation of this blog.

Life is not just about happy moments. When you look back at your years and there is one moment of tears shed, then that's life. Pain. Endurance. Defeat. Loss. Grief. Sadness. The heart embraced all of these before it dies. The heart choses to do this for it will make everything rightt for her and the other person's life related to the life of the man it truly loved, cherished or shall we say still loved until the moment the heart dies.

Looking back, the heart has been living a happy feeling for three years. At times, it gets hurt but because she choose to live, she managed to heal and continue loving. It chose to remind the itself that whatever happens, it will only beat for one man. The man reassures the heart that it will only beat for it. He will only be the man who truly deserves to have this love felt by the heart.

Two hearts struggling for the love to survive. Separated by distance. Longing for each other's presence. The other soul was able to keep the promise alive but the other promisee was able to break loose at some point, done a very terrible mistake. A mistake that can never be undone. But the heart chose to live and accepted the love once promised to be its only breathe. Continue to endure the pain, the misery, the sadness, the distance. Not really knowing that the heart was betrayed a lot of times. Over and over again.

Fate and time decided to intervene. The truth came out. The man who vowed to love the heart has let it out. All of it. The heart was badly bleeding. Every details is like a cut to the heart making it suffer more on the sad truth.

And when everything was said and done, the heart smiled and chose to let go of the pain. Free the soul she chose to have her heart beating for so many years. The other soul still wants to renew the love for the heart but the heart chose to let go and chose to die.

To the heart who has truly love for years and never ever regret doing it....this is for you.