Insensitive Fool

I am looking at myself and i can see a woman whose nothing and no one can surprise her anymore. When everybody's got so excited about a thing, im not even sharing the crowd to let myself what it is. Sometimes I am wondering is it because I know what to expect already or am i just an insensitive woman that's all?

It worries me a lot. Big time. Coz i think is this the reason why i am always having a second thought on all of my relationships? i knew deep in my heart that i never loved any one of them. Bin maybe the closest to my heart...almost close to it but still, he's just outside the door. Never had the chance to come in yet...hahahaha

But will i ever loved someone one day? Some day? Or am i just going to fulfill myself of my plan someday that i am just going to find a babymaker to give myself a baby? I was the one who started it but i really dont like the idea. I still wanna be loved but i dont know how to love back?

Bad, huh? Yeah i know. its bad. its being selfish. you want somebody to love you but you dont know how to give back that love. But in the back of my head, given the chance to have someone to love me, i can be a really passionate woman. WIth all those years that ive been alone, lahat na yata ng naipong caring and loving parte ko e naipon na and that lucky guy who would have me would have all that.

Pero even love doesnt surprise me anymore. That's a problem. Im afraid that i wont laugh back if the man that im with laughs. I wont even talk to him after he talked. I wont even share his happiness when he's very happy. So im better off alone? Very sad.

I wish, that somebody can turn this character of mine 360 degrees and i would greatly appreciate it. Sighs

Face to Face with Vanessa

***** Rose Tan *****
*****Vanessa*****

I've waited long enough for this moment. eversince last year, I already planned that on February 9, it's either I am on vacation leave or if not, I will be absent for work. Good thing, it's my restday. What a nice Saturday morning for me.

Because the PHR signing won't be starting until 2pm, I watched a movie first which is such a lame movie after all, I headedto the PHR stall already. Most of the writers are already there, except for my favorite -- Vanessa. I already have with me my most favorite novel that she wrote.

And then at last, by 3:20pm she came and boom -- i am already in front of her and she was signing those two books. Yippeeee!!!! I even get to have her picture. It's worth the wait after all!!!

For more info on their books, just visit: www.preciousheartromances.com

Depression

As Vogue magazine describes it:

You feel exhausted, hopeless and anxious.

Whatever you do, you feel lonely and no longer enjoy the things you once loved.

And things just don't feel like they used to.

I have to admit, I am experiencing all of these. But what the heck! If you let depression in your life, it will really eat you alive -- BIG TIME.

I just thought of writing this so if you are also feeling the same way, at least, it is no longer a mind boggling puzzle for you what you are going through.

You are just simply having a depression. So deal with it positively!

The Search is Over

I've finally found the shoe that I really want! After so many weeks of looking for it.

I don't instantly buy the thing that I want to buy. First of all, like what I said in my previous blog entry, I really should feel that I want it. Yesterday, I just felt that with the shoe that I've seen in a mall.

My mom once complain to me that after three hours of letting me roam around Tutuban, I stilll did not see anything. And even my friends stop following me inside the mall 'coz I've been going around the place for two hours and still did not see what I really want.

And geez!!! My feet just feels so sexy with it!

Parental Guidance

I love movies so much!!! Be it sci-fi, love stories, action, cartoon or horror movies. My nieces like horror movies. I like telling the story of a movie I saw in a movie theater to them but I usually skip some part. They will tell me to buy a video copy of it but I always ended up thinking will i buy it or not? The stories are good and it's really scary but I can no longer find a movie that doesn't have a slight love scene on it. Topless women, couple having intercourse or a man raping a woman and worst, killing brutally somebody -- well the last part -- you can't really prevent it most of all if it is a horror film. But for geez sake -- can't we find a decent film right now that is really scary without including any obscene scenes? It's a good movie but it promotes violence and opening an idea to a child that is still so inappropriate.

Gone are the days when we felt so scary but we are not banned not to a see a certain screen because of some obscenity in it!

Why?

Have you ever want something or someone badly and just can't have it?

And the more you want it... The more you can't have it? And still wants it???

What a Wonderful[?] World

I used to say when I was a kid -- "someday, I'll be free to do all the things I want, buy all the things I desire, go to allthe places I really would love to go to without any restrictions!" This, I said, when my mom told me you cannot go out and play because you're sick. I had meningitis before and my childhood life is not just like any other kids..

So, what happened is, I prayed hard for the earth to roll faster so I could grow and be old enough to experience what I wished. But as I grew up, I am starting to get disappointed of the world once I thought as wonderful. I realized that it's sometimes not okay to do all the things you want because some of them are not just the right thing to do, you can't just buy all the things you want because it would mean spending all of your hard earned money and you cannot just go to any places you want because again, it would require a lot of money again and it would mean asking for a vacation leave to your office.

I find myself sometimes complaining why am I stuck with this fr***g job and I still stay with it? Why it is easy to spend than to earn money? Why is it more relaxing to go out of town than to just stay in my place and do something productive? Why is it easier to eat than to go on a diet? Why is it easier to mess things up than cleaning it up later on?

My list of complains could go on forever, I had to admit. I so realized it's very endless. But then, I thought of thinking the "otherwise" of things. This day, I made my journey to the hospital and had my ear checked because it's too itchy and when i clean it, it has some blood on it already. It's nothing serious according to the doctor.

After this, my dial-up pc always has a way of not sending my graphics designing application to these wonderful company so I went to this famous computer shop using dsl and it was sent. All I had to do now is to just sit, relax and wait for the calls of the company that would stop me one day from complaining why am I still in my current job?

I also did not take my dinner. I am already feeling full so why go on dinner if I don't feel like eating just because it is ethical to have breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and then dinner in one day.

What i just said in the end, I can still have my wonderful world. I just have to do some reality check.

The One For You

One day, I did not go to work because of my migraine. In the afternoon, I am already feeling okay so what I just did on the remaining hour of the day is to watch one of my favorite movies -- Sleepless in Seattle. It's caption is this:

"What if someone you never met

Someone you never saw

Is that someone only for you?"

Watching the movie, I still feel so in-love with many of the scenes. The caption just fits right to it. But nowadays, where is this possible? While watching, they are still using snail mail as a sign of communication from one state to another. Now, we already have emails, mobile phones and chat rooms. And the only thing that came to my mind is this: people who will fit this caption is the people you are chatting with.

In a radio station that I'm listening to one night, they stated that you might end up with someone you don't really like. Like a black men. And they laughed about it. Now, that's clearly very offensive. I believe whatever the color/race of a person, if you fell in love, this would be a nonsense of your usual "what-kind-of-person-i-like-to-end-up-with". Love can be given and shared with you by someone either she/he is black, brown or white.

Romeo decided to poison himself because the mail that Juliet sent to him was delayed. Lucky are we, I can say. Now, it'll just be a laughing stock to us. Our oldies ended up with their love ones through snail mail. Who knows, you might end up with your chat mate?

Signs: Our Very Own Version of this Movie

While travelling to Sagada, I chanced upon this very cute place and the first thought in my mind is the Mel Gibson's movie "Signs".

Now, this is not something that the alien worked on. It is our fellow farmers who did it. Along the way to Sagada, you can find a lot of these!

I am In-Love With My Gadgets

When it comes to gadgets, I always consider one thing before buying it: comfort feeling towards it. I should have a personal attachment to it. I always tell myself this is the thing that I am going to hold always.

I don't go for branded gadgets. Even though I want this gadget but if this comfort feeling was not felt once I hold it and I don't like it instantly, I won't buy it. Seeing it in the catalog is different when seeing it in personal.

Recently, when I bought my mp3 player, I had the model A in my mind but when I saw it -- it's very different when I saw it and there's no connection the moment I hold it. You may think it's kinda strange it, huh. And so, I decided not to buy it. The model B was the other option and holy spaghetti!!! I love it right away! And when I asked for the specs, I became in-love with it more.

Another thing, I am not the best person that you can drag if you want to buy your gadget. My officemate dragged me one day to buy her chosen cellphone. I told her I might not the best companion in buying it but she insisted. By the time that I saw the product, I didn't feel that connection. My mind's made up. I don't like it. But for jeez sake, I am not the one who is going to buy it! Not just because I don't like it but because there's a lot of flaws in the warranty. I explained it to her and she understood and did not bu the product.

Instant connection, personal attachment, love at first sight but still knowing the qualities. Just like being in-love the usual way with someone. This is me when I am in-love with my gadgets and they will be my gadget for life.