Insensitive Fool

I am looking at myself and i can see a woman whose nothing and no one can surprise her anymore. When everybody's got so excited about a thing, im not even sharing the crowd to let myself what it is. Sometimes I am wondering is it because I know what to expect already or am i just an insensitive woman that's all?

It worries me a lot. Big time. Coz i think is this the reason why i am always having a second thought on all of my relationships? i knew deep in my heart that i never loved any one of them. Bin maybe the closest to my heart...almost close to it but still, he's just outside the door. Never had the chance to come in yet...hahahaha

But will i ever loved someone one day? Some day? Or am i just going to fulfill myself of my plan someday that i am just going to find a babymaker to give myself a baby? I was the one who started it but i really dont like the idea. I still wanna be loved but i dont know how to love back?

Bad, huh? Yeah i know. its bad. its being selfish. you want somebody to love you but you dont know how to give back that love. But in the back of my head, given the chance to have someone to love me, i can be a really passionate woman. WIth all those years that ive been alone, lahat na yata ng naipong caring and loving parte ko e naipon na and that lucky guy who would have me would have all that.

Pero even love doesnt surprise me anymore. That's a problem. Im afraid that i wont laugh back if the man that im with laughs. I wont even talk to him after he talked. I wont even share his happiness when he's very happy. So im better off alone? Very sad.

I wish, that somebody can turn this character of mine 360 degrees and i would greatly appreciate it. Sighs

It's Hard When You Are In-Love

Everyone wishes to be in-love but when we are in-love, we find it so hard to deal with it.

All is Fair in Love

Recently, it is. With the gay marriage being approved in the US. I wonder who really pushed this bill. It is no longer a topic of God, morality and religion now. Modern age is really on top now.

It is all about truly loving someone and being with someone you really want to be with without being scrutinized.

It is all about fairness. Any one can marry the one that you really love. Regardless if you are of the same sex.

I have nothing against third sex that is why I am happy with this news. Used to be the battle of the sexes is just Adam and Eve. Now it is the other one. What is the name of the third sex then?

This is the fun side. But here in the Philippines, what would really be the future of this bill to push through? My friend say, she thinks, it'll be divorce first before we can truly approve this kind of bill.

Religion Really Matters?

I have an officemate who has two men in her life. Well, the other recently broke up with her---not formally. But, from the way I see it, the man is still taking his time out with the relationship and will still try to convince the girl that he is really the one for her.

But the girl's one primary concern with this guy is that he will never ever convert his religion to her religion. That got me thinking--love conquers all but why does religion interferes? Is it what God wants in the first place or the leader of this religion the one who created that "rule". When God said go and multiply [my modern version of what he said bec. I can no longer remember the original line sorry!] did He say -- only choose your mate that has the same religion with you?

This I dont understand. Why others cannot see that its the love inside us that should matters and not all the other things--lest the religion. Why cant faith in love and faith in your Creator can't be separated? Will your Creator wants you to settle with the one you less love bec. the one you really love the most cannot convert to your religion.And I thought all is fair in love and war.

But not in religion.Religion is such a sensitive topic we all know that. But for me, it is sensitive because no one wants to to talk about it in the first place. Its a battle of faith versus your own belief in life. When that faith of yours defeats your own belief in life -- its like losing your own personal mental freedom as you are being dominated by your faith. What your faith is telling you what to believe in life.

However, the one that I love has a different religion. The irony of life!

Decisions That We Made

My office mate got dumped because of another girl that is working in our company as well. The same old story. Surprisingly,the first girl asked me for some advice. And surprisingly again, she kind of digested what I said to her. So, before the day ends, she decided to really set the score with the guy. That he can never go back to her anymore the same way he did when his previous relationships didn't last.

I told her that even how much we love a person, we had to let them go sometimes. This is not for the good of the relationship but because it is for the good of you. We are losing our self-worth at times just to give everything we've got to a love that we don't want to lose But is it really worth it? How would you know if you are just going through the chain?You are just getting the same ending because you are always doing the same thing. What if you go the other way? What will you find? You might not be happy with the result. But you have to admit, it will free you from some misery and hurt.

I asked her if she can go through all the pain again. She said yes because she loved him. Are you happy while you are hurting? There's the pause from her. I told her that you are happy because you are with him. No doubt about it. But why do you still feel miserable. Because in our decisions, we chose the wrong ones because that can make me happy but there's always the feeling of misery because something is not right with what we have done. It makes you happy but it is not the right choice.

But then she asked, if I chose the right decision, will I be happy? Probably, no. But you can gain a lot of things.Your self worth first of all. And most of all, I told her, the chance. The chance to love someone who is deserve your love back and who will treasure you more.

And there it goes, her smile. Actually, I can say her sweetest smile.

Pre-Birthday Treats

As my birthday is approaching, I have been receiving a lot of freebies so far. I thought that this is a great way of adding to my original plan of going to the Manila Ocean Park to see it for the very first time.

Since I am approaching my 30th birthday, I am thinking of celebrating it in a different way. In a way, that the celebration will be more focused on me. I do feel that I have almost reached half of my entire age for my life span ... eccentric? Of course not! This is more likely of a feeling that I have done most of what I want to do, learned most of the things I want to learn, gone to some of the places I really want to go and feeling some of the feelings I may or may not like but I was able to felt it and accept it.

Instead of getting emotional about this new year for me, I told myself to just enjoy just like I did with my previous birthdays and be thankful for all the blessings that came my way.

Move On

Just in time to go back from break, my male officemate/friend just popped the question out: Have you already moved on?

I'm kind of surprised -- not with the question but with the realization that I have already moved on. I have not been torturing myself about our break-up anymore. I am not thinking of him anymore. I just reminisce the past without missing it. I thought of him without reallywanting to be with him. And mostly, I remember the past without hurting anymore.

Thank God. I used to wish that there will come a day these would all come. And surprisingly, I didn't know when that day happened. It.... just happened! :)

Face to Face with Vanessa

***** Rose Tan *****
*****Vanessa*****

I've waited long enough for this moment. eversince last year, I already planned that on February 9, it's either I am on vacation leave or if not, I will be absent for work. Good thing, it's my restday. What a nice Saturday morning for me.

Because the PHR signing won't be starting until 2pm, I watched a movie first which is such a lame movie after all, I headedto the PHR stall already. Most of the writers are already there, except for my favorite -- Vanessa. I already have with me my most favorite novel that she wrote.

And then at last, by 3:20pm she came and boom -- i am already in front of her and she was signing those two books. Yippeeee!!!! I even get to have her picture. It's worth the wait after all!!!

For more info on their books, just visit: www.preciousheartromances.com

Depression

As Vogue magazine describes it:

You feel exhausted, hopeless and anxious.

Whatever you do, you feel lonely and no longer enjoy the things you once loved.

And things just don't feel like they used to.

I have to admit, I am experiencing all of these. But what the heck! If you let depression in your life, it will really eat you alive -- BIG TIME.

I just thought of writing this so if you are also feeling the same way, at least, it is no longer a mind boggling puzzle for you what you are going through.

You are just simply having a depression. So deal with it positively!

The Search is Over

I've finally found the shoe that I really want! After so many weeks of looking for it.

I don't instantly buy the thing that I want to buy. First of all, like what I said in my previous blog entry, I really should feel that I want it. Yesterday, I just felt that with the shoe that I've seen in a mall.

My mom once complain to me that after three hours of letting me roam around Tutuban, I stilll did not see anything. And even my friends stop following me inside the mall 'coz I've been going around the place for two hours and still did not see what I really want.

And geez!!! My feet just feels so sexy with it!