Insensitive Fool

I am looking at myself and i can see a woman whose nothing and no one can surprise her anymore. When everybody's got so excited about a thing, im not even sharing the crowd to let myself what it is. Sometimes I am wondering is it because I know what to expect already or am i just an insensitive woman that's all?

It worries me a lot. Big time. Coz i think is this the reason why i am always having a second thought on all of my relationships? i knew deep in my heart that i never loved any one of them. Bin maybe the closest to my heart...almost close to it but still, he's just outside the door. Never had the chance to come in yet...hahahaha

But will i ever loved someone one day? Some day? Or am i just going to fulfill myself of my plan someday that i am just going to find a babymaker to give myself a baby? I was the one who started it but i really dont like the idea. I still wanna be loved but i dont know how to love back?

Bad, huh? Yeah i know. its bad. its being selfish. you want somebody to love you but you dont know how to give back that love. But in the back of my head, given the chance to have someone to love me, i can be a really passionate woman. WIth all those years that ive been alone, lahat na yata ng naipong caring and loving parte ko e naipon na and that lucky guy who would have me would have all that.

Pero even love doesnt surprise me anymore. That's a problem. Im afraid that i wont laugh back if the man that im with laughs. I wont even talk to him after he talked. I wont even share his happiness when he's very happy. So im better off alone? Very sad.

I wish, that somebody can turn this character of mine 360 degrees and i would greatly appreciate it. Sighs

It's Hard When You Are In-Love

Everyone wishes to be in-love but when we are in-love, we find it so hard to deal with it.

All is Fair in Love

Recently, it is. With the gay marriage being approved in the US. I wonder who really pushed this bill. It is no longer a topic of God, morality and religion now. Modern age is really on top now.

It is all about truly loving someone and being with someone you really want to be with without being scrutinized.

It is all about fairness. Any one can marry the one that you really love. Regardless if you are of the same sex.

I have nothing against third sex that is why I am happy with this news. Used to be the battle of the sexes is just Adam and Eve. Now it is the other one. What is the name of the third sex then?

This is the fun side. But here in the Philippines, what would really be the future of this bill to push through? My friend say, she thinks, it'll be divorce first before we can truly approve this kind of bill.

Religion Really Matters?

I have an officemate who has two men in her life. Well, the other recently broke up with her---not formally. But, from the way I see it, the man is still taking his time out with the relationship and will still try to convince the girl that he is really the one for her.

But the girl's one primary concern with this guy is that he will never ever convert his religion to her religion. That got me thinking--love conquers all but why does religion interferes? Is it what God wants in the first place or the leader of this religion the one who created that "rule". When God said go and multiply [my modern version of what he said bec. I can no longer remember the original line sorry!] did He say -- only choose your mate that has the same religion with you?

This I dont understand. Why others cannot see that its the love inside us that should matters and not all the other things--lest the religion. Why cant faith in love and faith in your Creator can't be separated? Will your Creator wants you to settle with the one you less love bec. the one you really love the most cannot convert to your religion.And I thought all is fair in love and war.

But not in religion.Religion is such a sensitive topic we all know that. But for me, it is sensitive because no one wants to to talk about it in the first place. Its a battle of faith versus your own belief in life. When that faith of yours defeats your own belief in life -- its like losing your own personal mental freedom as you are being dominated by your faith. What your faith is telling you what to believe in life.

However, the one that I love has a different religion. The irony of life!

Decisions That We Made

My office mate got dumped because of another girl that is working in our company as well. The same old story. Surprisingly,the first girl asked me for some advice. And surprisingly again, she kind of digested what I said to her. So, before the day ends, she decided to really set the score with the guy. That he can never go back to her anymore the same way he did when his previous relationships didn't last.

I told her that even how much we love a person, we had to let them go sometimes. This is not for the good of the relationship but because it is for the good of you. We are losing our self-worth at times just to give everything we've got to a love that we don't want to lose But is it really worth it? How would you know if you are just going through the chain?You are just getting the same ending because you are always doing the same thing. What if you go the other way? What will you find? You might not be happy with the result. But you have to admit, it will free you from some misery and hurt.

I asked her if she can go through all the pain again. She said yes because she loved him. Are you happy while you are hurting? There's the pause from her. I told her that you are happy because you are with him. No doubt about it. But why do you still feel miserable. Because in our decisions, we chose the wrong ones because that can make me happy but there's always the feeling of misery because something is not right with what we have done. It makes you happy but it is not the right choice.

But then she asked, if I chose the right decision, will I be happy? Probably, no. But you can gain a lot of things.Your self worth first of all. And most of all, I told her, the chance. The chance to love someone who is deserve your love back and who will treasure you more.

And there it goes, her smile. Actually, I can say her sweetest smile.

Pre-Birthday Treats

As my birthday is approaching, I have been receiving a lot of freebies so far. I thought that this is a great way of adding to my original plan of going to the Manila Ocean Park to see it for the very first time.

Since I am approaching my 30th birthday, I am thinking of celebrating it in a different way. In a way, that the celebration will be more focused on me. I do feel that I have almost reached half of my entire age for my life span ... eccentric? Of course not! This is more likely of a feeling that I have done most of what I want to do, learned most of the things I want to learn, gone to some of the places I really want to go and feeling some of the feelings I may or may not like but I was able to felt it and accept it.

Instead of getting emotional about this new year for me, I told myself to just enjoy just like I did with my previous birthdays and be thankful for all the blessings that came my way.

Move On

Just in time to go back from break, my male officemate/friend just popped the question out: Have you already moved on?

I'm kind of surprised -- not with the question but with the realization that I have already moved on. I have not been torturing myself about our break-up anymore. I am not thinking of him anymore. I just reminisce the past without missing it. I thought of him without reallywanting to be with him. And mostly, I remember the past without hurting anymore.

Thank God. I used to wish that there will come a day these would all come. And surprisingly, I didn't know when that day happened. It.... just happened! :)

Face to Face with Vanessa

***** Rose Tan *****
*****Vanessa*****

I've waited long enough for this moment. eversince last year, I already planned that on February 9, it's either I am on vacation leave or if not, I will be absent for work. Good thing, it's my restday. What a nice Saturday morning for me.

Because the PHR signing won't be starting until 2pm, I watched a movie first which is such a lame movie after all, I headedto the PHR stall already. Most of the writers are already there, except for my favorite -- Vanessa. I already have with me my most favorite novel that she wrote.

And then at last, by 3:20pm she came and boom -- i am already in front of her and she was signing those two books. Yippeeee!!!! I even get to have her picture. It's worth the wait after all!!!

For more info on their books, just visit: www.preciousheartromances.com

Depression

As Vogue magazine describes it:

You feel exhausted, hopeless and anxious.

Whatever you do, you feel lonely and no longer enjoy the things you once loved.

And things just don't feel like they used to.

I have to admit, I am experiencing all of these. But what the heck! If you let depression in your life, it will really eat you alive -- BIG TIME.

I just thought of writing this so if you are also feeling the same way, at least, it is no longer a mind boggling puzzle for you what you are going through.

You are just simply having a depression. So deal with it positively!

The Search is Over

I've finally found the shoe that I really want! After so many weeks of looking for it.

I don't instantly buy the thing that I want to buy. First of all, like what I said in my previous blog entry, I really should feel that I want it. Yesterday, I just felt that with the shoe that I've seen in a mall.

My mom once complain to me that after three hours of letting me roam around Tutuban, I stilll did not see anything. And even my friends stop following me inside the mall 'coz I've been going around the place for two hours and still did not see what I really want.

And geez!!! My feet just feels so sexy with it!

Parental Guidance

I love movies so much!!! Be it sci-fi, love stories, action, cartoon or horror movies. My nieces like horror movies. I like telling the story of a movie I saw in a movie theater to them but I usually skip some part. They will tell me to buy a video copy of it but I always ended up thinking will i buy it or not? The stories are good and it's really scary but I can no longer find a movie that doesn't have a slight love scene on it. Topless women, couple having intercourse or a man raping a woman and worst, killing brutally somebody -- well the last part -- you can't really prevent it most of all if it is a horror film. But for geez sake -- can't we find a decent film right now that is really scary without including any obscene scenes? It's a good movie but it promotes violence and opening an idea to a child that is still so inappropriate.

Gone are the days when we felt so scary but we are not banned not to a see a certain screen because of some obscenity in it!

Why?

Have you ever want something or someone badly and just can't have it?

And the more you want it... The more you can't have it? And still wants it???

My Reflections

"There's always pain and disappointment when falling in love but continue sharing your love. because the more you love, the more you'll get to know yourself. Because, again, every person you love becomes your reflection."

To date, I had three relationships. I did not used the word failed with it but just "ended". For me, what I always tell somebody how did you cope up with it is "just think how good it was and not how long it was." I always look at the brighter side it brought to me instead of the depression.

My first, he was soooo much older than me. Well, at least what -- 7-8 years? I can no longer remember. But what's good about this guy is that he had the passion. When he said, i want to do this, he'll be doing it. And he said, don't rely on others to do it for you. Always start with yourself and seek help if only you need to. As I grew up, I learned to be independent.I am doing things on my own, solving things on my own [as long as I can], discovering things on my own. But I am no selfish. I just learned from him that as long as you can do it, do it first. If all else fails, it's time you seek help. But then, has to go to a different country and I am not yet ready to get married so we broke up.

The second one, he is always so understanding. He told me that its not good to heat things up more. When we are fighting, he always says, let's just talk about this some other time. Not now that you are so furious and angry. And we really talk about it and it always ended good. After that, one of my colleague says, you can always treat a worst situation with calmness. How do you that? Well...

Now, the third one, he always said I hate money! Yeah he hates money but he has a lot of money. He told me, I work not for money but I work because that's what I like to do. he doesn't want wasting money. It just usually went straight to the bank and his business and once in a year to his hobby -- going to different places away from his own country. i still have to learn how to hate money like him you know but then one thing I really like about him is that it's true money can make you happy. You can use it to find your true passion in your life. One day, after receiving my 13th month pay, I enrolled in a graphics designing class which I have been longing to do and just months ago, I went to this place which we called Sagada and it feels heaven!!!

All of these may have cause me pain but never mind the pain. It's part of our life. just think of happy thoughts just like Peter Pan. :)

What a Wonderful[?] World

I used to say when I was a kid -- "someday, I'll be free to do all the things I want, buy all the things I desire, go to allthe places I really would love to go to without any restrictions!" This, I said, when my mom told me you cannot go out and play because you're sick. I had meningitis before and my childhood life is not just like any other kids..

So, what happened is, I prayed hard for the earth to roll faster so I could grow and be old enough to experience what I wished. But as I grew up, I am starting to get disappointed of the world once I thought as wonderful. I realized that it's sometimes not okay to do all the things you want because some of them are not just the right thing to do, you can't just buy all the things you want because it would mean spending all of your hard earned money and you cannot just go to any places you want because again, it would require a lot of money again and it would mean asking for a vacation leave to your office.

I find myself sometimes complaining why am I stuck with this fr***g job and I still stay with it? Why it is easy to spend than to earn money? Why is it more relaxing to go out of town than to just stay in my place and do something productive? Why is it easier to eat than to go on a diet? Why is it easier to mess things up than cleaning it up later on?

My list of complains could go on forever, I had to admit. I so realized it's very endless. But then, I thought of thinking the "otherwise" of things. This day, I made my journey to the hospital and had my ear checked because it's too itchy and when i clean it, it has some blood on it already. It's nothing serious according to the doctor.

After this, my dial-up pc always has a way of not sending my graphics designing application to these wonderful company so I went to this famous computer shop using dsl and it was sent. All I had to do now is to just sit, relax and wait for the calls of the company that would stop me one day from complaining why am I still in my current job?

I also did not take my dinner. I am already feeling full so why go on dinner if I don't feel like eating just because it is ethical to have breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and then dinner in one day.

What i just said in the end, I can still have my wonderful world. I just have to do some reality check.

Finding Mr. Right by Big "O"

While waiting for my turn in the hospital, I decided to buy a National Geographic magazine and it tackles all about love. One thing that catches my attention is this: "A woman unconsciously uses orgasms as a way of deciding whether or not a man is good for her. If his impatient and rough and she doesn't have the orgasm, she may instinctly feel he's less likely to be a good husband and a father. Scientists think the fickle female orgasms may have evolved to help woman distinguish Mr. Right from Mr. Wrong." [excerpt from National Geographic Feb. 2006 edition]

My friend usually said that you won't know you're really compatible until you have sex with your boyfriend. As she said,sex is very important in a married life so if you're not compatible in that stage even before when you were still not married,where do you think your marriage will go in the end? Alright, she's an advocate of PMS and I am not. But in my head, all of these women who said this, how many men had they sex with? Even if the two of you are good with it why most of them break up in the end? why do they keep on hopping from one relationship to another and doing PMS? Again, maybe, I'm sorry, I'm not really an advocate of PMS and this is just my POV. No need for violent reaction. I respect other's opinions.

Just because one man is giving you the satisfaction he will already be a good husband and a father? For once, I had this huge, big crush with a hollywood actor. He looks mature, loving and I really think he will be a good father [and very hot, too!]. And so he got married. But then, he was televised beating his wife and shouting at his kid on the phone swearing.You may think I'm a bit shallow but can't we just start with emotional first before the big O in finding Mr. Right?

I think like a kid most of the times. Because kids has an easier way of explaining things that bothers them. Lemme think like a child on this topic, For me, if you already find Mr. Right [but not using the way to find him by having an "O"] and the only thing that's preventing you from saying "it's a very wonderful relationship" is that you're not good at "that", then just talk it out. Things like "I like it when we... but i would like it best [with winking] if we do it this way [showing something with winking again]. How about that?" [with winking again]!

Again, my disclaimer, this is just my POV. [with winking]

Ha Ha Happy Together

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh - Agnes Repplier

Chemistry is one of the ingredient in a succesful relationship, as one of the few persons I respect the most said. He/She doesn't need to be a joker but at least the two of you have some heartful of laugh at times shared when the two of you are together.

For all the singles [and newly singles like me :) ] I hope you can find someone whom you can share your laughter with this new year. Not just someone as in plain someone. I meant someone special. :)

Happy new year!!!