Matters of the Heart

Insensitive Fool

2008-08-02T04:57:00.000-07:00

I am looking at myself and i can see a woman whose nothing and no one can surprise her anymore. When everybody's got so excited about a thing, im not even sharing the crowd to let myself what it is. Sometimes I am wondering is it because I know what to expect already or am i just an insensitive woman that's all?

It worries me a lot. Big time. Coz i think is this the reason why i am always having a second thought on all of my relationships? i knew deep in my heart that i never loved any one of them. Bin maybe the closest to my heart...almost close to it but still, he's just outside the door. Never had the chance to come in yet...hahahaha

But will i ever loved someone one day? Some day? Or am i just going to fulfill myself of my plan someday that i am just going to find a babymaker to give myself a baby? I was the one who started it but i really dont like the idea. I still wanna be loved but i dont know how to love back?

Bad, huh? Yeah i know. its bad. its being selfish. you want somebody to love you but you dont know how to give back that love. But in the back of my head, given the chance to have someone to love me, i can be a really passionate woman. WIth all those years that ive been alone, lahat na yata ng naipong caring and loving parte ko e naipon na and that lucky guy who would have me would have all that.

Pero even love doesnt surprise me anymore. That's a problem. Im afraid that i wont laugh back if the man that im with laughs. I wont even talk to him after he talked. I wont even share his happiness when he's very happy. So im better off alone? Very sad.

I wish, that somebody can turn this character of mine 360 degrees and i would greatly appreciate it. Sighs

It's Hard When You Are In-Love

2008-07-10T04:39:00.000-07:00

Everyone wishes to be in-love but when we are in-love, we find it so hard to deal with it.

All is Fair in Love

2008-06-30T21:35:00.000-07:00

Recently, it is. With the gay marriage being approved in the US. I wonder who really pushed this bill. It is no longer a topic of God, morality and religion now. Modern age is really on top now.

It is all about truly loving someone and being with someone you really want to be with without being scrutinized.

It is all about fairness. Any one can marry the one that you really love. Regardless if you are of the same sex.

I have nothing against third sex that is why I am happy with this news. Used to be the battle of the sexes is just Adam and Eve. Now it is the other one. What is the name of the third sex then?

This is the fun side. But here in the Philippines, what would really be the future of this bill to push through? My friend say, she thinks, it'll be divorce first before we can truly approve this kind of bill.

Religion Really Matters?

2008-06-21T03:46:00.000-07:00

I have an officemate who has two men in her life. Well, the other recently broke up with her---not formally. But, from the way I see it, the man is still taking his time out with the relationship and will still try to convince the girl that he is really the one for her.

But the girl's one primary concern with this guy is that he will never ever convert his religion to her religion. That got me thinking--love conquers all but why does religion interferes? Is it what God wants in the first place or the leader of this religion the one who created that "rule". When God said go and multiply [my modern version of what he said bec. I can no longer remember the original line sorry!] did He say -- only choose your mate that has the same religion with you?

This I dont understand. Why others cannot see that its the love inside us that should matters and not all the other things--lest the religion. Why cant faith in love and faith in your Creator can't be separated? Will your Creator wants you to settle with the one you less love bec. the one you really love the most cannot convert to your religion.And I thought all is fair in love and war.

But not in religion.Religion is such a sensitive topic we all know that. But for me, it is sensitive because no one wants to to talk about it in the first place. Its a battle of faith versus your own belief in life. When that faith of yours defeats your own belief in life -- its like losing your own personal mental freedom as you are being dominated by your faith. What your faith is telling you what to believe in life.

However, the one that I love has a different religion. The irony of life!

Decisions That We Made

2008-03-10T08:13:00.000-07:00

My office mate got dumped because of another girl that is working in our company as well. The same old story. Surprisingly,the first girl asked me for some advice. And surprisingly again, she kind of digested what I said to her. So, before the day ends, she decided to really set the score with the guy. That he can never go back to her anymore the same way he did when his previous relationships didn't last.

I told her that even how much we love a person, we had to let them go sometimes. This is not for the good of the relationship but because it is for the good of you. We are losing our self-worth at times just to give everything we've got to a love that we don't want to lose But is it really worth it? How would you know if you are just going through the chain?You are just getting the same ending because you are always doing the same thing. What if you go the other way? What will you find? You might not be happy with the result. But you have to admit, it will free you from some misery and hurt.

I asked her if she can go through all the pain again. She said yes because she loved him. Are you happy while you are hurting? There's the pause from her. I told her that you are happy because you are with him. No doubt about it. But why do you still feel miserable. Because in our decisions, we chose the wrong ones because that can make me happy but there's always the feeling of misery because something is not right with what we have done. It makes you happy but it is not the right choice.

But then she asked, if I chose the right decision, will I be happy? Probably, no. But you can gain a lot of things.Your self worth first of all. And most of all, I told her, the chance. The chance to love someone who is deserve your love back and who will treasure you more.

And there it goes, her smile. Actually, I can say her sweetest smile.

Pre-Birthday Treats

2008-02-28T06:24:00.000-08:00

As my birthday is approaching, I have been receiving a lot of freebies so far. I thought that this is a great way of adding to my original plan of going to the Manila Ocean Park to see it for the very first time.

Since I am approaching my 30th birthday, I am thinking of celebrating it in a different way. In a way, that the celebration will be more focused on me. I do feel that I have almost reached half of my entire age for my life span ... eccentric? Of course not! This is more likely of a feeling that I have done most of what I want to do, learned most of the things I want to learn, gone to some of the places I really want to go and feeling some of the feelings I may or may not like but I was able to felt it and accept it.

Instead of getting emotional about this new year for me, I told myself to just enjoy just like I did with my previous birthdays and be thankful for all the blessings that came my way.

Move On

2008-02-25T16:43:00.000-08:00

Just in time to go back from break, my male officemate/friend just popped the question out: Have you already moved on?

I'm kind of surprised -- not with the question but with the realization that I have already moved on. I have not been torturing myself about our break-up anymore. I am not thinking of him anymore. I just reminisce the past without missing it. I thought of him without reallywanting to be with him. And mostly, I remember the past without hurting anymore.

Thank God. I used to wish that there will come a day these would all come. And surprisingly, I didn't know when that day happened. It.... just happened! :)

Face to Face with Vanessa

2008-02-15T04:50:00.000-08:00

***** Rose Tan *****
*****Vanessa*****

I've waited long enough for this moment. eversince last year, I already planned that on February 9, it's either I am on vacation leave or if not, I will be absent for work. Good thing, it's my restday. What a nice Saturday morning for me.

Because the PHR signing won't be starting until 2pm, I watched a movie first which is such a lame movie after all, I headedto the PHR stall already. Most of the writers are already there, except for my favorite -- Vanessa. I already have with me my most favorite novel that she wrote.

And then at last, by 3:20pm she came and boom -- i am already in front of her and she was signing those two books. Yippeeee!!!! I even get to have her picture. It's worth the wait after all!!!

For more info on their books, just visit: www.preciousheartromances.com

Depression

2008-02-13T02:48:00.000-08:00

As Vogue magazine describes it:

You feel exhausted, hopeless and anxious.

Whatever you do, you feel lonely and no longer enjoy the things you once loved.

And things just don't feel like they used to.

I have to admit, I am experiencing all of these. But what the heck! If you let depression in your life, it will really eat you alive -- BIG TIME.

I just thought of writing this so if you are also feeling the same way, at least, it is no longer a mind boggling puzzle for you what you are going through.

You are just simply having a depression. So deal with it positively!

The Search is Over

2008-02-08T15:45:00.000-08:00

I've finally found the shoe that I really want! After so many weeks of looking for it.

I don't instantly buy the thing that I want to buy. First of all, like what I said in my previous blog entry, I really should feel that I want it. Yesterday, I just felt that with the shoe that I've seen in a mall.

My mom once complain to me that after three hours of letting me roam around Tutuban, I stilll did not see anything. And even my friends stop following me inside the mall 'coz I've been going around the place for two hours and still did not see what I really want.

And geez!!! My feet just feels so sexy with it!

Parental Guidance

2008-02-01T01:11:00.000-08:00

I love movies so much!!! Be it sci-fi, love stories, action, cartoon or horror movies. My nieces like horror movies. I like telling the story of a movie I saw in a movie theater to them but I usually skip some part. They will tell me to buy a video copy of it but I always ended up thinking will i buy it or not? The stories are good and it's really scary but I can no longer find a movie that doesn't have a slight love scene on it. Topless women, couple having intercourse or a man raping a woman and worst, killing brutally somebody -- well the last part -- you can't really prevent it most of all if it is a horror film. But for geez sake -- can't we find a decent film right now that is really scary without including any obscene scenes? It's a good movie but it promotes violence and opening an idea to a child that is still so inappropriate.

Gone are the days when we felt so scary but we are not banned not to a see a certain screen because of some obscenity in it!

Why?

2008-01-25T16:20:00.000-08:00

Have you ever want something or someone badly and just can't have it?

And the more you want it... The more you can't have it? And still wants it???

My Reflections

2008-01-14T05:18:00.000-08:00

"There's always pain and disappointment when falling in love but continue sharing your love. because the more you love, the more you'll get to know yourself. Because, again, every person you love becomes your reflection."

To date, I had three relationships. I did not used the word failed with it but just "ended". For me, what I always tell somebody how did you cope up with it is "just think how good it was and not how long it was." I always look at the brighter side it brought to me instead of the depression.

My first, he was soooo much older than me. Well, at least what -- 7-8 years? I can no longer remember. But what's good about this guy is that he had the passion. When he said, i want to do this, he'll be doing it. And he said, don't rely on others to do it for you. Always start with yourself and seek help if only you need to. As I grew up, I learned to be independent.I am doing things on my own, solving things on my own [as long as I can], discovering things on my own. But I am no selfish. I just learned from him that as long as you can do it, do it first. If all else fails, it's time you seek help. But then, has to go to a different country and I am not yet ready to get married so we broke up.

The second one, he is always so understanding. He told me that its not good to heat things up more. When we are fighting, he always says, let's just talk about this some other time. Not now that you are so furious and angry. And we really talk about it and it always ended good. After that, one of my colleague says, you can always treat a worst situation with calmness. How do you that? Well...

Now, the third one, he always said I hate money! Yeah he hates money but he has a lot of money. He told me, I work not for money but I work because that's what I like to do. he doesn't want wasting money. It just usually went straight to the bank and his business and once in a year to his hobby -- going to different places away from his own country. i still have to learn how to hate money like him you know but then one thing I really like about him is that it's true money can make you happy. You can use it to find your true passion in your life. One day, after receiving my 13th month pay, I enrolled in a graphics designing class which I have been longing to do and just months ago, I went to this place which we called Sagada and it feels heaven!!!

All of these may have cause me pain but never mind the pain. It's part of our life. just think of happy thoughts just like Peter Pan. :)

What a Wonderful[?] World

2008-01-09T04:45:00.000-08:00

I used to say when I was a kid -- "someday, I'll be free to do all the things I want, buy all the things I desire, go to allthe places I really would love to go to without any restrictions!" This, I said, when my mom told me you cannot go out and play because you're sick. I had meningitis before and my childhood life is not just like any other kids..

So, what happened is, I prayed hard for the earth to roll faster so I could grow and be old enough to experience what I wished. But as I grew up, I am starting to get disappointed of the world once I thought as wonderful. I realized that it's sometimes not okay to do all the things you want because some of them are not just the right thing to do, you can't just buy all the things you want because it would mean spending all of your hard earned money and you cannot just go to any places you want because again, it would require a lot of money again and it would mean asking for a vacation leave to your office.

I find myself sometimes complaining why am I stuck with this fr***g job and I still stay with it? Why it is easy to spend than to earn money? Why is it more relaxing to go out of town than to just stay in my place and do something productive? Why is it easier to eat than to go on a diet? Why is it easier to mess things up than cleaning it up later on?

My list of complains could go on forever, I had to admit. I so realized it's very endless. But then, I thought of thinking the "otherwise" of things. This day, I made my journey to the hospital and had my ear checked because it's too itchy and when i clean it, it has some blood on it already. It's nothing serious according to the doctor.

After this, my dial-up pc always has a way of not sending my graphics designing application to these wonderful company so I went to this famous computer shop using dsl and it was sent. All I had to do now is to just sit, relax and wait for the calls of the company that would stop me one day from complaining why am I still in my current job?

I also did not take my dinner. I am already feeling full so why go on dinner if I don't feel like eating just because it is ethical to have breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and then dinner in one day.

What i just said in the end, I can still have my wonderful world. I just have to do some reality check.

Finding Mr. Right by Big "O"

2008-01-04T04:34:00.000-08:00

While waiting for my turn in the hospital, I decided to buy a National Geographic magazine and it tackles all about love. One thing that catches my attention is this: "A woman unconsciously uses orgasms as a way of deciding whether or not a man is good for her. If his impatient and rough and she doesn't have the orgasm, she may instinctly feel he's less likely to be a good husband and a father. Scientists think the fickle female orgasms may have evolved to help woman distinguish Mr. Right from Mr. Wrong." [excerpt from National Geographic Feb. 2006 edition]

My friend usually said that you won't know you're really compatible until you have sex with your boyfriend. As she said,sex is very important in a married life so if you're not compatible in that stage even before when you were still not married,where do you think your marriage will go in the end? Alright, she's an advocate of PMS and I am not. But in my head, all of these women who said this, how many men had they sex with? Even if the two of you are good with it why most of them break up in the end? why do they keep on hopping from one relationship to another and doing PMS? Again, maybe, I'm sorry, I'm not really an advocate of PMS and this is just my POV. No need for violent reaction. I respect other's opinions.

Just because one man is giving you the satisfaction he will already be a good husband and a father? For once, I had this huge, big crush with a hollywood actor. He looks mature, loving and I really think he will be a good father [and very hot, too!]. And so he got married. But then, he was televised beating his wife and shouting at his kid on the phone swearing.You may think I'm a bit shallow but can't we just start with emotional first before the big O in finding Mr. Right?

I think like a kid most of the times. Because kids has an easier way of explaining things that bothers them. Lemme think like a child on this topic, For me, if you already find Mr. Right [but not using the way to find him by having an "O"] and the only thing that's preventing you from saying "it's a very wonderful relationship" is that you're not good at "that", then just talk it out. Things like "I like it when we... but i would like it best [with winking] if we do it this way [showing something with winking again]. How about that?" [with winking again]!

Again, my disclaimer, this is just my POV. [with winking]

Ha Ha Happy Together

2008-01-01T02:42:00.000-08:00

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh - Agnes Repplier

Chemistry is one of the ingredient in a succesful relationship, as one of the few persons I respect the most said. He/She doesn't need to be a joker but at least the two of you have some heartful of laugh at times shared when the two of you are together.

For all the singles [and newly singles like me :) ] I hope you can find someone whom you can share your laughter with this new year. Not just someone as in plain someone. I meant someone special. :)

Happy new year!!!

Loving Someone So Much

2007-12-30T03:48:00.000-08:00

While travelling back home with a friend from a party, he poured his heart out about his girlfriend. There was a point during the conversation that he mentioned he asked the girl is it so wrong to love you so much?

As for most of us women, of course yes. That can be an assurance of fidelity, I guess. And only fewer men nowadays can sincerely ask you that because that's how they are very sure of what they feel for you. Of course, we all know men to be polygamous.

But as for me, anything that is too much is bad as well as anything that is too less is not alright, too. I was so surprised to hear that but I was not surprised when the girl got a cold feet from the question and that is according to him. Loving someone so much can be a sign of obsession already. I like the idea of my man who has his heart only for me knowing that he loves me but my man telling me this, I might say slow down. Knowing you love me is too sweet already for me but don't overdo it.

I don't know as to how much is so much. Most girls do this but it is so unusual for a man. Loving someone so much is still pretty okay as long as you don't forget one very important thing and that is to love yourself.

Unbearable Nights

2007-12-26T04:37:00.000-08:00

Some nights can be so unbearable. You want to cry but you cant. You asked yourself why cry when you can just laugh about it? I tried to laugh but the tears just flowing down your eyes, too. You tried wiping away all the tears but it just keeps on flowing until you swear to yourself and said cry and get it over with.

Cry for goodness sake! But every tear fell would not equal those years I had with you. It would just like every bit of emotions I would want to lose loving you but really cant. For how -- you have made me so become familiar with your presence, you have made me want to always be with you, you have made me think its us forever, you have made me believe in you despite of us being worlds apart and you have made me realize loving someone like you is worth all these pains i am feeling right now.

They dont know how it hurts inside. Losing someone you cherished the most to always hold...letting go of someone you always dreamed of being one with you one day...

Every corner of this room, every pages of our pictures together, every memories of your laughter stuck in my head, every loving words you told that stays into the deepest of my heart...

Just tell me the hell how can i let go, forget and leave all things behind us NOW?

The One For You

2007-12-24T03:15:00.000-08:00

One day, I did not go to work because of my migraine. In the afternoon, I am already feeling okay so what I just did on the remaining hour of the day is to watch one of my favorite movies -- Sleepless in Seattle. It's caption is this:

"What if someone you never met

Someone you never saw

Is that someone only for you?"

Watching the movie, I still feel so in-love with many of the scenes. The caption just fits right to it. But nowadays, where is this possible? While watching, they are still using snail mail as a sign of communication from one state to another. Now, we already have emails, mobile phones and chat rooms. And the only thing that came to my mind is this: people who will fit this caption is the people you are chatting with.

In a radio station that I'm listening to one night, they stated that you might end up with someone you don't really like. Like a black men. And they laughed about it. Now, that's clearly very offensive. I believe whatever the color/race of a person, if you fell in love, this would be a nonsense of your usual "what-kind-of-person-i-like-to-end-up-with". Love can be given and shared with you by someone either she/he is black, brown or white.

Romeo decided to poison himself because the mail that Juliet sent to him was delayed. Lucky are we, I can say. Now, it'll just be a laughing stock to us. Our oldies ended up with their love ones through snail mail. Who knows, you might end up with your chat mate?

A Glimpse of the Future

2007-12-22T02:59:00.000-08:00

"if I could see the future
I'd see if you and I were meant to be
but I don't know any magic
and tomorrow's just a dream
then something in this fantasy is real..."

It was a lazy afternoon and I was just listening to my collection of audio cd's. One of the songs that usually captures my heart is the song "If I Believe" by Patti Austin.

These line, even if we admit it or not, we have wished it one time in our life. I did. But not just once. Actually, a lot of times usually when you are watching Harry Potter. As for me, I wished that I had it during the time that me and my boyfriend are still together. It usually concerns us if we are going to end up with our current relationship one day.

I know basic palmistry reading. My officemates usually would irritate me to death, just kidding, to read their palms.Things like what is in store for them in the future or would they have a fruitful relationship. I really don't wanna be specific as to what I can see in their palms because I myself is avoiding to read what is in store for me.

Although, at times, I wish there are two lines who would join together [lol].

However, in the fantasy world, I really wanna see who am I going to end up with. Or will I ever end up with someone else? With someone else that I really love? With someone else that I really love and who loves me, too? With someone else that I really loves that loves me, too, and the one I can have kids with? A lot of things that I want to have a glimpse with. But as of the moment, what I want to do, is live every second of my life without worrying what is in store for me in the future. It will come.

Signs: Our Very Own Version of this Movie

2007-12-18T04:18:00.000-08:00

While travelling to Sagada, I chanced upon this very cute place and the first thought in my mind is the Mel Gibson's movie "Signs".

Now, this is not something that the alien worked on. It is our fellow farmers who did it. Along the way to Sagada, you can find a lot of these!

A Time For Yourself

2007-12-17T04:28:00.000-08:00

Traffic jams. Noises. Smokes. High-rise buildings. Loud crowd. Extravagant dresses. Fancy dine outs.

You are in the city -- no doubt.

I decided to put a stop on the traffic light. I chose to go somewhere where it is somewhere quiet. Where all you can see are clogs -- clouds and fogs. Where mountains are higher than houses and there are only but a few buildings. The dresses are just in tune with the weather of the place. And where there are no Mc Do's, Jollibee's, Chowking's or even fine dining resto's.

I made my goal by reaching Sagada. I have been planning to go here since the first half of this year but due to a tight workload and schedules that are not in tune with others, I have done it only this last week of November.

The adventures are mountain trekking and the cinematic views are not coming from any Hollywood movies but from the nature itself. I took the time out on viewing videos from YouTube and just recorded the Mother Nature on my digicam.

It is very refreshing. On top of all, I can say, what a break and what a wonderful experience apart from your usual everyday life.

I am In-Love With My Gadgets

2007-12-14T05:27:00.000-08:00

When it comes to gadgets, I always consider one thing before buying it: comfort feeling towards it. I should have a personal attachment to it. I always tell myself this is the thing that I am going to hold always.

I don't go for branded gadgets. Even though I want this gadget but if this comfort feeling was not felt once I hold it and I don't like it instantly, I won't buy it. Seeing it in the catalog is different when seeing it in personal.

Recently, when I bought my mp3 player, I had the model A in my mind but when I saw it -- it's very different when I saw it and there's no connection the moment I hold it. You may think it's kinda strange it, huh. And so, I decided not to buy it. The model B was the other option and holy spaghetti!!! I love it right away! And when I asked for the specs, I became in-love with it more.

Another thing, I am not the best person that you can drag if you want to buy your gadget. My officemate dragged me one day to buy her chosen cellphone. I told her I might not the best companion in buying it but she insisted. By the time that I saw the product, I didn't feel that connection. My mind's made up. I don't like it. But for jeez sake, I am not the one who is going to buy it! Not just because I don't like it but because there's a lot of flaws in the warranty. I explained it to her and she understood and did not bu the product.

Instant connection, personal attachment, love at first sight but still knowing the qualities. Just like being in-love the usual way with someone. This is me when I am in-love with my gadgets and they will be my gadget for life.

Christmas Parties

2007-12-12T03:57:00.001-08:00

December. It's the time of the parties. A lot of people makes a lot reasons to create an occasion to have a celebration. And during these times, people loves to go to parties as well. Just like me.

Recently, I have to decide whether I need to attend a party of our company or the party of an organization I belong to. I chose the latter. It's a very small crowd and there's also a lot of things to learn. We have a lot of speakers who will tackle about how to make money and how you can survive a money crisis. And there's also a part that some of the donations that was given by the sponsors will be given to a charity.

So, going to this party is really a better choice, I can say.

And the most beautiful part of it, is that, I get to win one of the most wonderful prize that night.

Timeless Piece

2007-12-10T03:26:00.000-08:00

I keep all the emails that i like and has touched my heart a lot. One of them is this piece:

Are you a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime?

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or alifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will knowwhat to do for each person.

REASON:

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . .It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there forthe reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at aninconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bringthe relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desirefulfilled, their work is done.The prayer you sent up has been answered.And now it is time to move on.

SEASON:

When people come into your life for a SEASON it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you anexperience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach yousomething you have never done. They usually give you anunbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real!

But, only for a season.

LIFETIME:

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas ofyour life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

Stop here and just SMILE.

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
And dance like no one is watching.

~Author Unknown~"

Friendship with Sel

2007-11-24T05:41:00.000-08:00

Generations nowadays are luckier than our oldies. Just imagine talking real-time to someone across the sea now compared to our oldies who are sending letters to their friends abroad and waiting for the reply after a week or worst, months!

I've been an online chatter freak at one point in my life admittedly. By the time i got bored doing it, I already gained friends and one of them is Sel from Turkey.

Our friendship started when he was finishing his bachelor's degree. English was not their primary language but he has to write his defense papers. I thought him some basics about English, correct him when he's wrong (he's actually encouraging me to do that) and defining words that he wants me to define for him.

The help even extended to his love life. There was a time that he and his girlfriend broke up and got back after sometime. He asked me if giving her a necklace is fine and I told him yes and a lot more worries from him. We lost communication for a while as he has to serve his military duty.

A year after, while updating my blogs, he suddenly appeared on the Yahoo Messenger asking me how am I doing. He told me that he is now a CPA. He got his Masteral's degree after serving in the military. And most especially, he still have the same girl in his life. After seven long years, he said.

That's good to know. But what's touching of all is when he told me he considers me as her teacher [I feel old!). Not just in English but to a lot of things. And he even said that he is grateful for our friendship. That I am still there and that I still remember him after all these years.

He is just one of my many friends online. Nowadays, its possible to have a friend that you haven't seen yet but already established a connection with.

I hope you have one, too! :)

Trust

2007-11-19T03:49:00.000-08:00

This is one of my most cherished poems (or can you call it a poem? I don't know). It was given to me by one of my most cherished (again?) friend...

T R U S T
by: PROS

When you start to hate yourself
Remember those who love you
When you feel afraid

Remember those you made brave
Whenever you are weak
Remember those you made stronger

And whenever you start to doubt yourself
Remember those who believe in you.

Under The Tuscan Sun

2007-11-19T03:34:00.001-08:00

The movie's caption is" Life offers you a thousand chances. All you have to do is take one". Its a very enlightening movie. The caption already tells you one ingredient in life.

One other thing I learned in here is that all of our wishes came true. Only, sometimes it is granted to you in a different package. The character in the movie (a divorced woman) wishes that one day there will be a wedding in her own house and a family to live there as well. In the end, her neighbor's wedding was done in her garden and her friend, who became a single parent, decided to stay with her along with the baby.

And I thought...oh yeah! Well, I guess you need to be specific with your wishes :)

To Commit or not to Commit

2007-11-18T02:10:00.000-08:00

It is sometimes irritating for me to receive text messages that relays nothing. But there are those that I kept..those that touched my heart as soon as I read. One of it is this one:

"Having been commited to love someone means losing the opportunity of having others to love you so be sure that the person you are commited to deserve your love and worthy of your sacrifice!"

There will come a point in our life that somebody or others will push us to love or marry someone especially when they are beginning to worry about your biological clock. Because of what happened recently, the chance to marry the one that I really love passed by. I am a bit less worry about it but the people around me who claims that they are just after my welfare says that will there be someone else to come after him? What if he is the last one?

Do you worry?

I don't. Well.... a little -- :)

I am more afraid of commiting myself to someone whom I don't love. It kills me just to think that I am already commited to this man and the one that I am destined to love with comes along. I am not an advocate of divorce or annulment.

Some will just settle for "siya na lang" or "he was there when I needed someone most".

I don't want to marry someone just because I need him. I want to marry someone because I want to, I need to and most of all I love to. Who wants to settle for anything else? Definitely not me.

On Being an Unwed Mother

2007-11-12T01:28:00.000-08:00

When I was in high school, I have a lot of different things that's going on in my mind. One of them is skipping the marriage part . I just want a baby of mine. I asked myself where did this idea came from. Coming from a very normal and complete family the answer is I don't know.

This became a truce between me and my friends that before we reach 30, we should already have a child of or our own. Kind of weird but that's us.

As time passes by, life takes us all on a different course. I decided I will wait until I got married. I told myself -- to hell with the truce. One of us had to abort her baby and the other one recently found out that she's pregnant. She decided to go on with the pregnancy. She is not thinking of settling down with the father of the child.

Eventhough I truly believe in the sanctity of marriage, I also believe in finding your own happiness. If the child has been "created" out of mistake, don't make another mistake of forcing yourself into marriage if you think it will do you both no good. My point of view is that if you're after the sake of the child, think long-term. If ever you chose to get married but the child will just grow up in a very dysfunctional family, it will not bring any good results for the child either.

Parenting can still be achieved even if you're not in a complete family just make sure that you two are both commited on supporting and loving your child.

Only You Knows Yourself Best

2007-11-08T02:20:00.000-08:00

What do you usually experience after a break-up? The usual "maybe you were wrong in some way..", "you could have done this to save it..." or something like this: "you already have the best and you let it slip away".

These are voices that's inside you hear or worst, from the people who knew the relationship from start to end.

In any case, I knoew clearly what I want. That's why it ended. In my head: It has to end. Because it's the rightest thing to do.

People may interfere your thoughts at times like these. Which has happened to me. And these are the things I did:

I listened
I tried to understand
And then I weighed things

In the end, I told myself what you did was right. I learned to listen, understand and analyze things. If only they are right, I can accept it. In my case, I can confidently say, I am correct.

So when you reached this decision, just listen to the upcoming events or comments then move on with your life is the next best thing to do. This is to make room for new emotions/ feelings and trash the old ones. Always remember, there is always something new in store for you.

Temptations

2007-11-02T05:17:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of temptations during the first days, weeks or months of your break-up. For me, one of those is going back to him. There are nights you wish that the person behind the ringing phone is him and you would be highly disappointed when it's not him [although you are already expecting it's not him].

But there are nights when you are no longer expecting a call and he would call. At the start, it's just the nonsense hi's, hello's or the usual how are you now. And as the conversation goes, he would say maybe our relationship is worth another try. And when I say no, he would say, maybe we can still be the best of friends.

Oh, how I wish we can give it another try. But at the back of my mind, it's not worth it anymore.

Friends?

I have nothing against couples being friends after breaking up. But at least give me some space to recover. I cant't just act normal as if nothing horrible after three years. And all of these would roll your head off thinking why can't you just stop thinking about these things and just give it another try?

Temptations, temptations and temptations... These are the moments when you wish that a wrong is just the rightest thing to do. But that's a BIG NO.

Emptiness

2007-10-31T03:19:00.000-07:00

Emptiness. That is what's always greeting me when i go back home. It is so conventional. First, you have to open the door, take your shoes off, put your things down to where they should be and then rest for a while.

Rest is what i don't want to do these times. When I'm resting, you think things. And usually, you think of things you want -- the ones you want to cherish. And that one thing you want and cherish is the one thing that breaks your heart. It is like letting myself to rest and get hurt again. Reliving the happy and the not-so-good-happy-part moments. This makes me no different from a masochist. Smiling while crying sometimes. Although tears are getting minimal now. I can smile more nowadays. Just sad to think that with that smile there is no more "him" with me.

And the emptiness.

I thought I will be leaving this place because we already have plans. But no. Im back here. Every night. And feeling so alone. Knowing that its just me and myself again.

But one thing's for sure...i'll get by.

After The Love Has Gone

2007-10-29T03:28:00.000-07:00

Then what? What is the next thing you will do aside from crying over it for a few nights?
But I guess the real issue, will you still love again?

One of my bestfriend has been through a lot in the name of love. Heart, body and soul -- that is her way of loving a man. And she even told me, she won't love anybody else after allof what happened. After two years of not talking to each other because both of us are busy,she just one night sent me a chat message saying she is getting married. At first, I didn' t take it seriously.

Here is the woman who just swore she will never get burn again inthe name of love again. But when she started telling me the whole love story, I already believed her.

In our life, we are sometimes given the chance to feel things differently. In her part, this time, love is better with a better man. Who would not take the chance. She is hesitant yes but she allowed herself to give in and said why not? And look at her, she is now very happy with her man.

And as for me, I know I will love again and I never will stop doing it as long as myheart is beating. LOve and being loved I guess, is one of the most sure fireworks you'll have in your life. Without it, your life wont be complete and colorless.

Weddings...Weddings...

2007-10-26T01:59:00.001-07:00

When me and my ex-bf are still together, we usually joked about our wedding setting. He liked it in a beach. I like it in a garden [well, until now!]. Then he would end up saying, let's look for a garden in a beach and that is where we are going to wed.

But when things go wrong, those plans just become a wishful thought. I wonder if he still likes it in a beach but as for me, I still like it in a garden. And at times like these, when you're still in the wandering stage of a shattered relationship, you usually find comfort with your friends. One day, me and my friends went to a mall to dine out.

But first, we went to a magazine store. As I was about to pay for the magazine, the lady gave me this magazine/directory for weddings and she said it is given for free. I am so hesitant to accept it but then my guy friend took it and said, "Hey honey, just what we need!". He look at the sales lady and told her that we are already planning our wedding this year. We received some congratulatory remarks.

While we are walking to the restaurant, I told him he doesnt need to do that. He told me, he did not do that to save my face but because he already noticed that the saleslady is already looking at me like she wants to say " Hey lady, it is just a magazine. Just get it!"

And I laughed. Until now, I still have that magazine. As a lady who still have her heart intact after all of what happened, I am still wishing, hoping and praying that I will have that garden wedding, too.....one day...

Fairy Tales

2007-10-18T18:09:00.000-07:00

As our love ended, I got dragged into a different kind of addiction. Buying all my favorite fairy tales movies.

Funny it may seem but I just found myself looking for all of these movies. There's a little space in my heart that is yearning for that "happy ending" and "they llve happily ever after" phrases. Although in reality, you are just so lucky if it happens to you but I'm just letting this kid at heart in me to overwhelm me at times.

While I am watching then, those good ol' days are coming back to my mind. When I was a kid, I also, too, believe that my prince charming will marry me someday and we will live happily ever after. One part of that, though, i cant relate that much. I'm living in a country that doesnt have prince and princesses so I thought my future man would be someone who is wearing this coat-and-tie suit, working in an office or could be having his own business [a very stable man] and who loves me so much.

But as I grew older, a different kind of love story is shaping up. A lot of heartaches, disillusionment, on and off relationships, jealousy, very sweet at times and sometimes arguing and a lot of mixed emotions. I wonder sometimes, did Cinderela, Snow White or Beauty just not mention that they had these moments before they married their prince? Or the moviemaker just deleted some scenes? Or was it the writer who chose not to write these part of the script in the movie? If these happens to them, will they still end up with Prince? Will they still be living in a happily ever after life?

But, I guess, it's just okay to indulge myself into this kind of thinking once in a while. Honestly, it is just making me feel that one heartbreaking relationship should not stop you from hoping that another great love is just about to come my way.

SOMETIMES

2007-10-18T16:55:00.000-07:00

I dont wan't to think of the happy moment that we have shared together
Beause it wll only make me wish that I could turn back the hands of time

I wish that you were never affectionate, faithful, devoted and true
So that unhappiness would not be felt each time you will not be around

I dont want to see your tears of loneliness and feelings of depression
Because they will only make me wish that I could take away your pains and blues

I wish that you didnt have a permanent and special place in my heart
So that your presence of absence would not make such a difference

[Lifted from the book "Loving in One's Own Way: by J M Lim]

The End

2007-10-01T05:29:00.001-07:00

When love ends...

Don't think how long it was

Just always remember how good it was...

:)

Today When I Die

2007-10-01T05:11:00.000-07:00

September 14, 2007. The heart stopped beating. It chose to die. But the heart made sure that the brain still functions for the creation of this blog.

Life is not just about happy moments. When you look back at your years and there is one moment of tears shed, then that's life. Pain. Endurance. Defeat. Loss. Grief. Sadness. The heart embraced all of these before it dies. The heart choses to do this for it will make everything rightt for her and the other person's life related to the life of the man it truly loved, cherished or shall we say still loved until the moment the heart dies.

Looking back, the heart has been living a happy feeling for three years. At times, it gets hurt but because she choose to live, she managed to heal and continue loving. It chose to remind the itself that whatever happens, it will only beat for one man. The man reassures the heart that it will only beat for it. He will only be the man who truly deserves to have this love felt by the heart.

Two hearts struggling for the love to survive. Separated by distance. Longing for each other's presence. The other soul was able to keep the promise alive but the other promisee was able to break loose at some point, done a very terrible mistake. A mistake that can never be undone. But the heart chose to live and accepted the love once promised to be its only breathe. Continue to endure the pain, the misery, the sadness, the distance. Not really knowing that the heart was betrayed a lot of times. Over and over again.

Fate and time decided to intervene. The truth came out. The man who vowed to love the heart has let it out. All of it. The heart was badly bleeding. Every details is like a cut to the heart making it suffer more on the sad truth.

And when everything was said and done, the heart smiled and chose to let go of the pain. Free the soul she chose to have her heart beating for so many years. The other soul still wants to renew the love for the heart but the heart chose to let go and chose to die.

To the heart who has truly love for years and never ever regret doing it....this is for you.